Good
morning. Where do I start? The last few days have been a roller coaster ride
with my emotions all over the place. I guess, I fit all the studies of how
humans respond to the grief of being shot in the heart. First I was shocked and
devastated and thought this can't be happening. How can this happen to my baby
girl, the joy of my life?
Then
I was in denial and decided this must be a mistake. She was just running and
playing a few days ago. This is my lifeline. My only hope of hanging on in such
a cold and cruel world. She is my ray of hope and my sunshine on a cloudy day.
This is a mistake.
Then
the fear. The absolute fear that grips you around the neck and chokes you so
hard you can't breathe ....or eat or sleep or function as a human being. You
are frozen and can do little else but stare into space. You stay still and
quiet and pray it will subside just long enough for you to go on for a few more
minutes at a time.
Next
came the anger and frustration. How could 11 veterinarians over the last 8
years fail to pick up on this? Why did they constantly reassure me that I had
nothing to worry about when I talked about checking on her heart murmur to see
if it was getting worse or better. And then anger at yourself for not being
more forceful.
And
then the worst emotion comes to visit. Guilt. The guilt at not taking charge
myself and allowing my baby girl to suffer all these years with something that
could have been treated long ago had I known. Guilt in not picking up any signs
or changing doctors when I left feeling that I was not sure she was getting the
best treatment for any ailment she might have had over the years.
But
then it starts to turn. Next came hope. And oh how powerful that emotion is. It
came from reading so many comments and emails and messages from others who have
gone through the same thing and were able to spend more years with their fur
babies with the right medicines, diet, supplements, a great doctor and lots of
prayer. They did whatever it took to prolong life and it worked. The majority
reminded me that Veterinarians are humans and do the best they can but God is
the almighty that makes all the final decisions.
Through
those messages of hope my survival instinct set in. It came on quite suddenly
yesterday morning when I woke up and saw my sweet baby Kate laying there
looking back at me with her sparkly eyes and her wagging little stump of a
tail. She was back and she was ready to fight if I was. And I held her and I
prayed to God to give me the energy and the stamina to fight and travel this
long road ahead. I thanked him for listening to all the prayers coming from
people out there that don't even know me. People who believe in him so strongly
and and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can change the course of life
in a heartbeat.
I
thanked him for giving me Katie, my constant reminder of his own love for me.
An everlasting and faithful love that never changes. An unconditional love that
is strong and loyal beyond all reason. She is a reminder that I am loved in
spite of my short comings and all my flaws. She is there to remind me that I
have comfort whenever I need a friend. Her love for me reminds me that God's
love will never change and will be with me until the end.
And
then it happened. The mission....
I
have been told that I have determination and drive like no other. When I set my
mind to accomplish something there is nothing that can block me. Add in that
unusually high dose of tenacity that God happened to mix into the equation when
he created me and you have a powerful woman who doesn't give up.
My
friends say I am the equivalent to a stampede of wild elephants coming at you
at about 100 miles per hour. I am a steam roller, a human bulldozer and there
is nothing, short of death, that can stop me when I am on a mission. So
yesterday, I rolled up my sleeves and began my fight for Katie. Out came the
notebooks, calendars, schedules and books on dog health. Up came the internet
to educate myself on diet and medicines that can beat the odds. Calls were made
to dog food companies to try and find a low sodium food.....there is none. Then
searches for how to make my own healthy dog food that can fight heart disease
in dogs. Next came getting other opinions and calling some other veterinarians
in the area to ask questions I needed answered. And then the big one....the
task of "finding Dr. Ho." Sounds like a movie title, doesn't it?
Dr.
Ho was Katie's doctor for the first 3 years of her life. She adored Katie and
said many times that she was unlike any other patient she had. For some reason
she was drawn to her and loved when she came in for her visits. But there was a
falling out at the hospital where she worked and she left for good. We were so
sad to hear that she had moved out of town and eventually we lost track of her.
Then came the years of going to vet after vet and never finding anyone like Dr.
Ho for Katie.
But
yesterday I came to realize God's hand is in this! He led me right to her.
There she was at another hospital out of town but still reachable for us to get
to. I called the busy hospital where she practices and left a message telling
her who I was and hoping she remembered Katie. The message told of our new
challenge and I asked if she could call me back because I am in need of a
primary care veterinarian that can work with the cardiologist and get this game
plan started. Less than an hour later the phone rang and that familiar voice
said, "Do I remember my Katie? How can anyone ever forget Katie?"
We
went on to talk for over an hour and set up a game plan for Katie's treatment.
We will meet in two weeks, once the medicines have really kicked in and we will
fight and do whatever it takes to prolong Katie's life and keep her happy. We
will put her on the right diet and adjust the medicines and give her
supplements that have proven to reverse some of the damage. We will do this. We
will fight for Katie she said.
Katie
is a high spirited little dog with so much spunk. She is a fighter. Dr. Ho,
after looking at the report and films, said she has been uncomfortable for a
long time with this much damage and she hides it from you. It finally got to
her after all these years and right now she is just tired and a little weak.
But she added, she is a fighter and any other dog couldn't have made it this
far without so many horrible symptoms.
Dr.
Ho said the fact that Katie has a hearty appetite and is showing no symptoms
other than heavy breathing says a lot about her own drive and tenacity. She is
not about to leave her Mom right now and needs every bit of strength we all
have just to help her get her energy back through this treatment. She said
Katie and I are both warriors and we can fight this thing and win.
We have had to make a few adjustments over the last few days but she is such an intelligent little girl that she has made it easy every step of the way. She fully understands that we are working together to get her better. For example, it's very hard for me to make it up and down the steps with my injured knee and so carrying a 22 pound dog in my arms was painful and scary. I had to come up with a plan. I found a bag that she fits in perfectly. I keep it on the floor and from day one, when she needs to go out she will walk, she will go over and crawl inside the bag and sit there waiting for me to come and pick up the handles and carry her downstairs. When she is finished doing what she needs to do outside, she walks back to the bag and crawls in and waits for me to pick up the handles and carry her back in again. Amazing instinct and it has made things so much better for both of us.
This morning, Katie is up and in her toy box looking for her talkie ball. She just ate every bit of her breakfast and her favorite turkey treat. She is laying on her favorite pillow and looking out the window at the birds around the feeder. She is getting back to the happy little girl she has always been. She is gaining strength and it seems the meds are working as she is breathing
so much better today. She is spunky and wants to play a little but we still
have to keep her as still as we can. She is allowed to walk around a little but
no playing or running or going up and down the stairs on her own for a while.
Cooper
cannot visit for two weeks or longer because he causes her great stress. He
steals her things and taunts her and that is the last thing we need right now.
So to keep her calm he has to stay away.....not sure how long. And that will be
near impossible as he loves her so much and is doing whatever he can to get to
her and all her belongings!
So we are on our way......and I mentioned some things
it will take on my part with drive and determination and tenacity and a ton of
strength to get this done. What I failed to mention is the most important and
most powerful thing of all. Prayer. God is listening my friends. He is hearing
all your prayers come in loud and clear and he is answering them every minute.
He has given me the strength and hope and faith I need to get through this so
far. But fear is powerful and it can engulf you at any second without warning
and make you have doubt that can weaken you. I beg you all to keep praying for
me and Katie.
We can't do this without your prayers.
