Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I've been fighting back the tears and trying hard to swallow this big lump in my throat as I always do on both the day of her birth and the day of her death...which falls in the same month. So it's been hard for me today. This day always brings back memories of good times past and traditions that are no longer.
When I was a teenager I can remember making a decision one day to take my allowance and spend it on my mother for MY birthday. I loved her so much that I wanted to make sure she knew how glad I was that God gave me to her on that day 14 years earlier. I wanted her to know that I wouldn't have wanted any other mother but her. I wanted to thank her for giving me life and for being the best mom ever. I wanted her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much I loved her and that it wasn't about me that day...it was all about her.
So I went out and bought her flowers....not just any flowers. I bought her pink roses...her favorite. And that day when there was cake and ice cream and presents for me.... I felt sheer delight when I handed her that bouquet of pink roses. And she cried. And she hugged me for the longest time and told me how good it made her feel. And I remember her taking one of the dried roses when they died and putting in the family album and writing under, "from my baby girl."
And so started a tradition. For the rest of her days with me here on earth, I bought her pink roses on my birthday. And later when I had the miserable task of sorting out her things and going through it all...I found each and every pink rose that she had saved for all those years....all 37 of them...each taped carefully to those pages with the same message underneath and the year it was given. And I cried and cried because I miss her so much.
Even though I miss her terribly, I know it's selfish of me to wish she was here because I know she is in a far better place than what this world could ever offer. I know that she is celebrating eternal life with no sorrow or tears or pain.
I'm not sure what my mother is doing today in Heaven. I guess I won't know until I go there and find out myself. But here’s what I do know, whatever she’s doing, she’s home. That’s what Heaven is... Home. ~Marty
If tears could build a stairway,
and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to heaven
to bring you home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no time to say goodbye
you were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
no one will ever know.