Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Not Just An Ordinary Day

Today is not going to be just another day for me. I want it to be, but that won't happen. I will try to make it through as if nothing is out of the ordinary and carry on my tasks at hand, but my heart is making sure that I know it's bruise...d and not ready to ever forget this day.

I often wonder if I can ever put this date completely out of my mind and just move on as if it never happened, but already I know I can't and I won't. I already know how difficult it will be for me to contain my emotions and not completely fall apart. For you see, today's date marks the anniversary of the darkest day of my life...the day my Mother took her last breath and the day I feel she took mine with her.

Today marks the twelve years that have passed since my Mom moved to Heaven and my heart feels like it's somewhere between a light rain shower and a full blown hurricane. I think I have it under control and I can shut those memories out from that day, but they continue to creep in. It's like a battle between my heart and my mind and it's my very soul that feels the aftermath of all this tugging and fighting.

My mind keeps bringing up memories of hospitals, doctors and life support and my sweet, beautiful Mother being in the middle of that awful mess. It is my mind that makes this day so difficult as it keeps reminding me how empty I am without her. The mind is powerful and no matter how hard you try, it contains a lot of hurtful data that can just come out of nowhere. There are times that it can play tricks on you and almost take your breath away and break your heart. A simple recipe that I remember we made together. A favorite song that she loved or her favorite lilacs in bloom. Even her favorite color can even trigger it when you least expect it.

It's my heart that sings out the memory of her warmth and her laughter and our one-of-a-kind relationship that we shared. It sings out the story of her life and brings me comfort in knowing that she is still right beside me. It's my heart that makes sense of it all and let's me miss her with a smile and the joy in knowing she's here and has been all along. It is my heart that tells me she is so happy that I went on with my life and chose to honor her memory by creating this place called Welcome Home. And my heart reassures me that she is calling all of you to cross my path and find comfort here too.

It just feels right to share my feelings with you today...because you have been there all along for me. I always fear that my grief shared openly might make others feel that I am asking for pity. That could be further from the truth...I do a great job of that all on my own so I really am not looking for anyone's sympathy. If anyone knows how to throw a great Pity Party, it's me...so I am not asking you for your sympathy or pity. I am just sharing my feelings and asking you to feel free to share yours too.

Today, just like the past 11 years, my inner child comes out and I long to lay my head in her Mother's lap and feel her hands stroking my hair ...telling me it will be alright. I am that little girl who is lost and scared without her mother and not sure of how I can make it without her. But I do. And next year I will go through these same feelings all over again. Her absence will still be felt every single day, but on this day it will somehow intensify.

I am opening my heart today and sharing my feelings because I know so many of you out there feel the same way. From the beginning I have always followed my heart when I write on this page...because Welcome Home belongs to my Mom. And I feel certain that she is the force behind it all. She is leading me and guiding me in bringing all your broken hearts together so that they might find some comfort here. My Mom lives in Heaven now ....but I am certain she is there with your Mom and other loved ones and there is this big rally in getting a message to you all by bringing you here. They want you to know that they are right next to you and have never left your side. They just love you from a different place.

I have a box tucked away in my closet and it is full of things from my Mom's funeral service. I do not look in that box because it is a reminder of the pain and sorrow from that dreadful day. But I did look in it yesterday and I found some bows and ribbons and hundreds of cards from friends and family that attended the service. There are a few pressed flowers in the Guest Book they gave me and so much outpouring of love for a great woman who left this world to find happiness with God. But there was one unsigned card....a blank card in an envelope that just says my Mom's name on the outside. And the card reads....

Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars at night
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.


Thank you Mom. This is just one of the many signs you send me to let me know you are still here with me. It is the very sign I needed to get me through this day.

3 comments :

  1. <3 I am so sorry for your pain. I know it all to well, I lost my father on my birthday this last October. It is the most horrendous thing anybody can endure. I was hoping that the pain would go away, but as I read your post, it sounds like it stays with you. My heart and prayers are with you...All my Love, Trish

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  2. Marty, I am so very sorry for you loss. I understand the pain. I lost my father 26 years ago and it still hurts everyday. My mother is in a nursing home with alzheimers so in a way we have lost her. She doesn't know us. I'm not sure which is worse, loosing her or having her not know me. But the biggest hole in my heart was when I lost my sister 1 1/2 years ago. Why that is worse, I don't understand. She was my best friend, my sister, my rock. She was younger than me but she was the one that took care of me during my many health issues. Now I am facing a surgery that each day I pray she could be here to help me through. She was always there for me. But, I know that she is with me in spirit, but it doesn't help on those days that I want her arms around me telling me all is going to be well. I will make it through, as you will too. We will continue to remember the good times and the love they gave us. Take care....

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  3. I feel every bit of pain you are enduring over the loss of your beloved mother. Mine has been gone for 28 years and I miss her every single day. Every good thing I am is from my Mom. I was adopted at 5 days of age and Mom and I had a very special relationship. I am facing major orthopedic surgery this week and so miss her comfort and care. Your love for your parents is obvious in your writings, and so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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